Circle of Life

An old high school friend of mine recently lost her father. She is an avid blogger, and in part, inspired me to write this blog. During her father's illness, and in her grief - she took a break from blogging. Understandable. I realized I too had taken a break from blogging, but don't really have a decent excuse like she does.

Anyway, I have a lot going on - more than I can probably express today. My energy has been very low lately. I've been having some annoying pain under my left rib cage. I'm constantly bloated. My hip bones and rib bones are tender to the touch. I just don't feel "right". I finally, after avoiding it for too long, I went to my doctor. She is in the process of running tests. My blood work is "normal". I'm grateful that nothing major showed up, but now I'm back to not knowing a darn thing. I'm being sent for a CT scan later this week, as well as seeing a gastroenterologist tomorrow. (I think I spelled that correctly, Lord knows I can't say it) It's a weird place to be. Not knowing what might be wrong. Your mind plays tricks on you. God FORBID you Google your symptoms! I'm sure I'm slowly dying. On one hand, you want them to say "nothing is wrong, you'll be okay". On the other, you want a diagnosis and treatment to make you feel better. Hopefully it's only constipation or something silly like that, but the not knowing stage is pretty darn frustrating. My "gut" tells me it's probably all in my gut. I hope it's an easy fix.

Other than that, I am potentially looking at another job lay-off. My job as an Infant/Toddler specialist is state funded, and the cuts are pretty deep here in NC, as in most states. I'm only part time, so therefore, the first to go. I'll know more in the next few weeks. Two job lay-offs in one year is a pretty big shot to one's ego - let me tell you. I am trying to stay opitimistic. Sadly, losing the Infant/Toddler program means more than just losing my job. It means losing services to child care providers and families with infants and toddlers in child care. The program does good things, and a lot of people depend on it. It's sad to see how all the "little people" are still being SHAT on!

One big door that opened for me since my other job lay-off earlier in the year, is that I took a big step and started working toward my Doula certification. If you don't know what a Doula is check out my (work in progress) website. http://www.bestnestdoula.webs.com I don't have the energy to explain it all right now. I was trained in both Birth & Postpartum Doula work. The entire certification process is lengthly, so I'm not officially "certified" yet, but have started working some both privately and with a great non-profit agency called "4th Trimester". More on that another time.

I toured a new birthing facililty today at one of the local hospitals. It's called The Baby Place. Pretty neat. They have valet service, massage therapy, spa rooms, cozy birthing rooms where baby's nest in with mom, NO formula allowed (alleluia), breastfeeding friendly.... It looks like I was in the right place at the right time when I asked if they needed volunteers (networking, baby!) b/c the coordinator over the unit called me later at home and wants to see if I can volunteer at the "boutique" assisting mom's with breast pumps, baby wraps and that sort of thing. She is open and willing to me using the opportunity to get Doula clients. It's a good "in". I think good things are on the horizon.

One other good thing about the Doula work is it's a great way for me to tie in my photography - as I'm able to offer great "packages" to my Doula families. I leave you with some from one of my first Postpartum families. Looking back to why I was re-inspired to blog again today...the Circle of Life continues...

Sweet little Etta.

My Dream Job

So, here I am. Still pretty much unemployed. Too much time on my hands. So, I'm back to blogging. This time, I'm making up my own job. Today, I draw from two of my favorite inspirations - ironically, both named Tony.

The first Tony, is of international Travel Channel "No Reservations" fame - Anthony Bourdain. Something about this guy is really sexy. He's tall, for one. He's sarcastic. He's laid back. He likes to drink. He likes to eat. He likes to travel. (and gratefully, he's also quit smoking!) What a great freakin' job! In my fantasy job, I am the female alter-ego of Tony. I'm (sort of) tall, sarcastic, laid back, drinkin' eatin' mommy machine. Minus the fact that I have no money, I'd also love to get in on that traveling part!

Like Tony, I have worked many jobs in the restaurant business. I love to cook, and think I cook pretty damn good. I often tell my husband, that I'd love to be a food critic. Even if it's just locally, I love to write and I love to eat. Enough said. Perfect job.
***
The second Tony, is local entertainment writer, Tony Kiss - also affectionately known as "the Beer Guy". I, for purposes of this blog, will refer to myself as "the Beer Goddess". This Tony has a weekly column in our local paper's weekly entertainment magazine. As you can imagine, he writes about all things beer.

In Asheville, that's not a hard thing to do. Home to six and counting local breweries, Tony has the luxury of commenting on all the latest to hit the Asheville beer scene. Seasonal brews, new brewmasters, beer festivals, art and beer, beer and food, craft beer, Papa beer, Mama beer and Baby beer too...

Any one who knows me, Chrissy (aka Beer Goddess) knows I love beer too. Granted, I can't always afford the good stuff, but I sure try. Whether it's tracking down the latest 22 oz. Imperial, or taking my growlers in for a refill - I do enjoy taking advantage of all the delicious local spirits.


Green Man beer served at Jack of the Wood ~~~ Highland Brew is one of my favs!

Okay, so food- Check. Beer- Check. Travel- working on that. Blog-check.
Sling my camera over my shoulder and I'm ready.
Who's hiring??

Beer Goddess drinking in Hoboken















Eating and drinking in Playa del Carmen











some food pictures for good measure

Faces of Asheville

So, once again, my gal Nikki is looking out for me...she invited me to tag along to this fundraising event at the Orange Peel downtown...called Faces of Asheville. http://www.jennybowen.com/FOA/index.html Jenny is this local photographer who is documenting the "faces" of Asheville in an attempt to raise awareness for concerns surrounding Asheville's growth and future. It's not hard to find interesting and unique characters in this town, that's one thing for sure! Check out the link above to learn more.

Anyway, it's an interesting story -- and one that really inspires me as a photographer. I mean, if SHE can pull this large of a project off, why can't I (me, little 'ol me) make more of this photography thing?!?! This event was the last of a handful of fundraising events, and a nice crowd gathered on a Monday night to support her. It was...um, interesting to say the least. Everyone from the local street urchin, to the mayor was there. Many of her subjects were there, speaking to the whys and what's of their love and frustrations of living in Asheville. Much of the spoken word really resonated with me...the beauty, the art, the people, the energy, the individuality of this town...there was even a little controversy and political rhetoric! This town, and it's people, is never boring!!

But, of course, my main interest in the night was the music - Nikki's and otherwise - and my hope to capture a few good shots...if for nothing, to fullfull my Project 365 goals!! My only annoyance was that they cut Nikki's performance short -- right in front of everyone, which rightfully pissed Nikki off, and many of the audience who was enjoying her performance.

So, I share a few of those pics with you now...everything from Nikki's rockin' and rantin' to acrobatics to hoola hoopin' to hammering on a dulcimer and amazing goofy slam grass jams...

In these photos: Mary Sparks & Space Medicine, Nikki Talley, The Libravado Sisters and Snake Oil Medicine Show.

Confessions of a paranoid mother

What is it about sick kids and 3:00 am?? Mine never seems to spike a fever in the middle of the day...only at night, and usually on a Friday. Fortunately, Gracie is usually a VERY healthy kid. When and if she does get sick, it's usually only once or twice a year. It seems like a lot of other kids are sick once a month. Fevers are usually like clockwork for her, come and go within 24 hours. I'd like to credit her strong immunity to dedicated breastfeeding and all that homemade organic baby food I slaved over. She is still a great eater, not picky at all (this is a kid who hates french fries and chooses a side salad instead). But, mostly, I contribute it to luck. Of the luckiest kind.

So, now I pose this question. Are all mothers as paranoid and preoccupied with thoughts of something terrible happening to their children?? I'm almost afraid to admit this publicly, for fear I might be losing my mind. But, these thoughts are pretty vivid and VERY scary.

I'm not just talking about at 3:00 am when I am trying to comfort a feverish child with a cool washcloth. I'm talking about curling up next to her after she's finally fallen asleep and hoping her brain doesn't boil over. Or that her labored breathing means her lungs might be collapsing.

That's just the start of it! Of course, when she was an infant, I imagine it's what all new mother's fear. Watching closely over this little, vulnerable baby - making sure her chest moves up and down as it should, or that the covers haven't slipped over her head, or that there is proper ventilation in the nursery to avoid death by SIDS.

I'm talking about this parental (really, is it just mother's though??) paranoia. The one where I start to have delusions. Serious, detailed, scary visions of her demise or severe injury. We can be in the car, and all of the sudden, I imagine us being broad-sided (for some reason, it's always a big UPS truck), on her side, of course. Does the car seat do it's job? Can EMS workers work quickly enough to cut her out of the car? What if I'm pinned and can't reach her?? Or the haunting thought that while she's at school, some maniac is going to come through with an oozie and shoot up the Kindergarten hall (they have already started "lock down" practice at school, after all). Or she'll choke to death on a grape? Do I remember CPR? Never mind the obsessive thoughts of molesters, kidnappers and creepy old men. Then, after flipping through and catching that Saint Jude Hospital commercial, my mind races around brain tumors, leukemia and some incurable blood disorder. These thoughts scare me enough to put me into a severe anxiety.

How will I ever let this girl get her drivers license?

***

When Gracie was born, within the first 12 hours, one of the nurses noticed she seemed a bit jaundiced. After running the proper tests, we were told that her bilirubin levels were very high, possibly high enough to warrant a blood transfusion!!! Yikes! With careful consideration, the doctors decided to try the less invasive treatment and she would need to be placed under special lights (phototherapy) to help break down the bilirubin levels.

Gracie, day 1 (of 7) of phototherapy. We could only hold her 1-2 hours a day. The nurses tried to convince me to start her on formula, since breast milk can actually slow the breakdown of bilirubin levels, but I refused. I pumped for seven straight days before I could actually put her to the breast full time.




Gracie after she came home. She had to continue to be treated with a "bili-blanket" - The whole setup consists of a light generator, termed the light box, the fibre-optic cable (see picture) through which the light is carried and the light pad, which rests on her belly or back. She lit up like an alien! Luckily, we could also place her in a sunlit window for treatment.



Turns out she and I had what is referred to as an ABO Blood incompatibility . It's pretty rare (15-20% of births). It is different than the Rh factor, which I knew I already had, and was treated for. In the case of the ABO, my blood essentially was attacking her blood as a foreign body as it crossed the placenta and cord during birth.

Ironically, I had wished to wait to cut the cord, after hearing that this was a great way to get more of the precious cord blood into her after birth. But, she aspirated on meconium during delivery and they had to quickly cut the cord. Turns out, had that not have happened, I would have SEVERELY poisoned her with more and more of my blood.

I tell this story because it was a very scary moment. I was considered a high risk pregnancy, due to a family history of defects. My sister, Theresa, who died when she was 9 and I was 3, was hydrocephalic and severely retarded (the not so PC term they used 40 years ago). My mom tells me the story of how they automatically institutionalized Theresa. It took her two visits seeing her baby in a metal cage of a crib before she took her home to try to raise. She scooped her up and ran out of the place, something she's sure she would have been arrested for today. How my mother did what she did for my sister's complicated care, mostly as a single mom, still amazes and humbles me. I had two cousins that died from similar issues. And, there is my incredible niece, Raquel, who is so aptly nicknamed "ROCKY" because she is one hell of a fighter.

My sister, Anna, and Rocky. Rocky has a rare genetic chromosomal defect called Williams Syndrome. It can cause severe medical and developmental problems. It's much more complicated than that, but bless Anna's heart...she was only 19, and had to treat this little baby with feeding tubes and heart monitors for many months. Just like my mother forty years ago, Anna is a true testament to motherhood.
I'm glad to report, that despite the hurdles, Rocky is a fun, affectionate, happy little eight year old girl today!


Gracie and Rocky, last Christmas!





We had one other little scare when Gracie was 3 months old. She quickly became very sick with what turned out to be a virus. This, after a horrific spinal tap to rule out meningitis, and three days in the pediatric unit.

As I reflect on all of this, I feel so silly to create these paranoid delusions of illness and death upon my beautiful daughter. We are truly, truly blessed with a happy, healthy (and sometimes sassy) five year old little girl. I don't know if these paranoid thoughts are normal or not, but maybe they exist in my head to simply remind me of what "could" be. It forces me to reflect, treasure, honor and love Gracie every single moment of the day.

Speaking of Gracie, I think I might just go slip under the covers next to my sweaty, little, puffy-eyed, belly-aching little girl and hold her tight. Right now.

POSTNOTE: After Gracie's fever spiked 104.2, we headed to the doctor and turns out she has a mild case of the flu. UGH.

A day with Nikki

Well, I didn't technically blog yesterday, but did keep to my promise to take photographs. It was a beautiful, warm, breezy day here in the hills and I spent the day downtown.

My first order of business (after I spent an hour volunteering in Gracie's class) was to get my unemployment in order. I can tell this whole experience will be more trouble than it's worth. I've heard it said that it takes more work to stay on unemployment than it does to actually WORK! They require you to apply for two jobs a week, something I do anyway. But, now, I'm wondering - do I apply for five or six this week, only to have none to apply for next week?!....it all seems so backassward.

I then headed to my friend and fellow moon goddess, Nikki's house. For any of you who know Nikki, you know I did NOT have a dull day! This girl has boundless energy. It's both contagious and exhausting. I honestly have a hard time photographing her sometimes because she cannot sit still!! :) Up for the challenge, I followed her around for (another) "photo shoot" -- she is this incredible and amazing singer/songwriter/musician and she's always looking to update her promo shots and whatnot. I had done some shots of her last year, that were used on her new cd cover, as well as for a bunch of press releases around town. I was very proud.

us being us

She took me to a friends' house - this really cool, old (like 110 years old old) house and we managed to finish a bottle of red, and I took over 400 pictures. Mind you, she's a goof, so half of those photos were of her being silly - some so blurry b/c I was laughing so hard! But, I spent the morning editing them, and think there are a few keepers.

sorry Nik, had to show one of your goofy shots!
Of course, she's more critical of herself than I am - and she proved her point by (once again) turning the camera on me! UGH!

NOT my comfort zone...can you tell?!

***********
So, today I had plans to meet up with some girls to hike, but of course, the weather is crap and I'm still in my jammies. I think I'll take some salmon out of the freezer and make a nice dinner tonight. I've been wanting to try this salmon, brie and mango dish.
I know, I know - doesn't sound like a poor man's meal, but I promise you we got all the ingredients on sale!! One must still enjoy the finer things in life!!
Until next time.....

With nothing better to do...

So, I was recently laid off from my job. It was part time, working at this great little organic "fast food" joint. I worked with the most eclectic, beautiful, fun people. The owner was great and the management amiable. I even enjoyed the customers (for the most part). As a sign of the times, the owner had to close the doors. It was a pretty new business, and the timing was very bad. She opened late last summer, when things didn't look quite as bleak. But then it hit. First, the "gas crisis" in WNC. Bullshit, if you ask me. Then, the cold weather. Really cold weather. Then this crappy economy wrapped itself around like a bow. A big, red, bloody bow.

More like a bloody BLOW! I've never been laid off before. Or even fired for that matter! As much as I try to not take it personally, it's a real kick to the gut. I'm now navigating unemployment benefits, and trying to figure out what to do with my time. I've been searching for full time work for almost two years now. I probably send out at least 2-3 applications per week as it is. So, even though I seem to manage a pretty fluid part time work arrangement, the pressure is pretty high.

We've lived paycheck to paycheck as it is, slowly accumulating debt as we go. My beloved minivan has over 120,000 miles on it and the heat is broken and the windows don't go down (or if they go down, they don't go back up again). We live a simple life. We are good people. I love my friends and family. I have a comfortable home. So, I hesitate to complain or whine or feel all "whoa is me". It sucks to feel like our financial stability is completely out of control, so the way I see it, the only thing I have control over is how I react to all of this change.

i like this kind of change better

So far, it's week two. Luckily, I work 10 hours a week, managing a grant in Hendersonville for infant care providers. It's a menial paycheck, but it makes me feel important. I don't really have to even go into the office, but I do to get out of the house. And yet, here I sit. In my house.

I've done two loads of laundry, dishes and revised my resume. I've piddled around on Facebook, spoke to the unemployment office twice, eaten leftovers for lunch, and applied for three jobs. Hum. Ho. Later this week, I plan to do our taxes (yawn), pillage through Gracie's clothes to pull out what no longer fits so I can sell it at the consignment store, and hopefully catch up with some girlfriends (also newly unemployed) to go for a nice hike. I got two new books for Christmas. I want to start a garden. I also recently acquired a copy of Photoshop, so I can also take some time to teach myself to use this unfamiliar program.

Speaking of photographs, some Facebook cronies of mine have started this thing called Project 365. They will either take photos or write and blog every day. Practice makes perfect, I think is appropriate here. Since I'd love to just take photographs for a living some day, I think I might challenge myself to something similar. I may not make it all 365 days, although I do pick up my camera a couple of times a week, at least. But, I think it will be fun and force me to leave the HOUSE! to go out and try to mix up my repertoire.

So, I would love it if you would join me on this mission. Enjoy the photos. Encourage me. Fill my head with some confidence. Or don't. Either way, I think I'll try to pull this off just long enough to start really enjoying it...then, maybe I'll land that job and won't have all this free time anymore!

I've included some I took this week. It's a start!



all photographs on this site are ©2008-2009ChristineCraftPhotography